Myth #3: Telling Works
Young People Need To Be Constantly Told What To Do
Complete this sentence:
“If I have told you once, I have told you. . .”
If telling worked, you would not have to repeat yourself. In fact, telling is often interpreted as criticism and promotes defensiveness, not responsibility. Do you like to be told what to do?
Telling (in contrast to sharing)
Is Often Interpreted As An Attempt To Control
Counterwill is the name for the instinctive reaction to resist being controlled. Whenever we tell people how to do something differently, we convey a subtle, negative message that the way they have been performing is wrong or not good enough. This often creates defensiveness. That is why there is a tendency to resist, especially when telling involves notifying others how they personally need to do something differently.
Telling implies that something has to be changed. People don’t mind change as much as they mind being changed.
People love to control but hate to be controlled. This is especially true for adolescents who are attempting to assert their independence.
Telling is akin to rewards and punishment in that all three are external attempts to change behavior.
Responsibility needs to be taken. It can be told, but it is never successful without being taken.
You can control others but you cannot change them. People change themselves. The least effective approach to influence others is by using external motivational approaches—especially those that do not empower.